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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Don't Cry For Me Oklahoma

I'm already crying enough for myself.  For wasting an hour watching the dreckest of the dreck audition shows.  First of all I have to confess I really don't like Oklahoma.  Oklahoma City is  Topeka, Kansas writ large.  Just ugliness everywhere you look.  That boathouse they used for the auditions with the man made rowing lake was about the best you get in Oklahoma City.  Everything else is ugly strip mall after ugly strip mall topped by street construction that does not end.  I think Idol won't be back.
And, as if to magnify the horrid location, they choose tonight to treat us to bad performance after bad performance and I'm just talking about the ones they put through, not the unusually high number of joke extras who may not be in on the joke who graced our screens tonight.

First up is Karl Skinner from Joplin who is a skinny little guy with a lot of confidence.  He does an awful version of James Brown's *I Feel Good* and I'm feeling not so good.  Then they ask him to play his guitar and he sings an *original* song, which is a very bad song, badly.  But, recognizing they are short on WGWGs, the judges put him through.  I cannot help but wonder what the guy with the titanium leg is thinking now who was summarily rejected in the first audition show and who could sing this skinny Skinner guy under the table. 

Then we get a montage of truly bad performers and I'm thinking *good..lets get them out of the way now*.  I thought too soon.
The only bright moment comes next when the Asian ASL teacher sings Stevie Wonder.  He is not anything that special but he is a nice guy so he goes through.  I cannot recall his name so I cannot check my spoiler sources but I can pretty much bet you a million cyberdollars that he does not make the top 40. 

Up next is Oscar and Hayley and I'm dying inside for both of them but mostly for Oscar as Hayley is the one who decided to bring him to this audition.  She has a clear and pleasant but not spectacular voice but given everything else they have seen, the judges put her through (although I think reluctantly).  She will be gone by the 2nd day of Hollywood.  There is a place in show business for ventriloquists but an Idol audition is not one of them.  Plus, you need to be very funny to do a good ventriloquist act no matter how skillful you are at the technique and Hayley is decidedly not all that funny..at least in a haha way.

So, now we see the reason for this blog entry title.  A bunch of people crying because they made it, didn't make it, cannot believe they are meeting the judges, cannot believe they are on TV, cannot handle life in general, forgot to take their meds today...you name it.  This motley group is topped off by Anastasia who I think really does believe she can sing and while a bit tearful, does display a level of confidence upon meeting the judges.  Then she sings.  And its ugly.  And gets uglier. But we do learn why she has so much confidence.  God called to her while she was writing in her journal saying *Idol* *Idol*.  The production makes extra fun of her by doing a fake reenactment of her vocational call which was really pretty unnecessary.  She already looked like enough of a fool to satisfy the viewers who are the type who create a traffic jam to gawk at car wrecks.

Idol has been looking for the next Justin Bieber since...well...Justin Bieber.  They think they found him in a 16 year old who looks 13 and has a certain amount of swagger.  Sadly he also has cystic fibrosis. And he has a weak little voice but thats ok because this is Oklahoma and we have enacted affirmative action for Oklahoma extras so he goes through.  
The show ends with Steven Tyler in drag and I think *I miss him even when he acts like an ass*.  He exits by either mooning the judges or farting in their faces and actually, I feel like the entire show has been one big fart in Idol viewer's faces tonight.  

If you watched you will note that I am NOT talking about Leonetta, the Obama babe who treated us to the National Anthem in honor of his re-inauguration and followed this stellar performance by giving the judges several shots of her crotch.  All I can say is WTF when she goes through... in honor of Obama's winning slogan of Winning the Future.  Seriously I'm afraid for the future and Leonetta is not the only one mentioned in this paragraph who scares me.  More scary...and really quite disgusting...is that this woman made the top 40 according to the spoilers.  I guess its the year for WTF!
For those of you who think I was a little too hard on the short guy last night who sang A Change is Gonna Come and cried...turns out he was on a reality show called the Glee Project and came in 4th or 5th or something so this is NOT his first rodeo and he has definitely learned to milk his stature for sympathy and votes so my instincts about him were on target.
Ryan announces at the end that they found 44 people to send to Hollywood in Oklahoma City.   Huh?