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Thursday, March 8, 2012

You Don't Mess Around With Jim(my)

When KK leaves Mr. KK for David Cook, I will leave Mr. Auntee for Jimmy Iovine.  That man agrees with me on all things musical and since I consider myself not very savvy musically, he makes me feel like a genius. 

The results show opens with a promise from Ryan that *for one night only* the judges will decide who goes home.  This better not be an empty promise.  Idol is about 3 feet away from the ski ramp leading to the shark pit already and if Nigel decides to pull this stunt again....Idol is not going to jump the shark, its going to be in the shark tank getting devoured by sharks named Christina Aguilera and Simon Cowell.

Shortly after I'm skeptically eyeing Ryan and his empty promises that Nigel won't try to micromanage the outcome anymore, Ryan announces that Lauren Alaina will be performing and I can only think *Kill Me Now*.  More on that treat later.  

The results came in about like I thought they would.  I was surprised that Shannon got less votes than Erika but be assured, it won't happen again.  Shannon seemed not to get that it wasn't just one bad note that doomed her performance but let her stay in her little happy place.  We will be sick of her happy place before she finally goes away.  Not surprised Elise was on the bottom but thought it might be Erika since Elise had made the top 5 of the women the previous week and might have had some fans pulling for her.  Evidently her fans are fickle. 

I was also not surprised with the men's results.  Jimmy was right to worry about Joshua and I was worried about him too. I hope he is back on form next week, enunciates the words, stops growling (that works for Phillip Phillips and Colton but Joshua...you are black and don't have a guitar) and quits popping up and down.   Jermaine the Giant being 2nd to last was no surprise either.  This guy is a piece of work.  He actually thinks his poop smells like roses!  In his world, Jimmy is wrong, the judges are wrong, he is all great and wonderful and we just cannot see it.   I predict he will be the next man falling and that he won't be nice about it either. 

Perhaps, the change in procedure kept a woman in the competition.  We will never know if Jeremy or Elise had the lowest votes.  I'm thinking that Jeremy may have been the lowest as JLo mournfully said something about *based on what America has decided* and it would take him getting the lowest votes for her not to throw a hissy fit to save him.  She sure didn't want to make the announcement and I saw Steven looking at her like...*is she gonna defy us and save Jeremy?*   Part of me thinks that Nigel knew Whitney was going to kill the women and that the show has been criticized for eating up the women contestants (based on this week's judging, rightly so) and wanted to make sure a woman didn't go home over his stupid choice to make them sing a Whitney tribute which was notably absent the tribute.   They couldn't even be bothered to stage one of her songs as the group song.   

Lauren Alaina comes out and her styling has improved.  She has moved on from Miss Rhode Island evening gowns  to Khloe Kardashian for Sears wear.  She has hair extensions c. 2003.  Her singing remained stranded in Miss Rhode Island land.  She couldn't even  give Khloe a run for her money at some 2nd rate Vegas Casino because Khloe will be paid more for showing up than Lauren will be paid for singing.  Her right shoulder seems to have some sort of spasm in it.  It just kept moving back and forth.  Hopefully she is gone from my sight for the next rest of my life. 

Before we see Jeremy leave, we have a serious reality check. Mary J. Blige sings and all of the sudden Jessica Sanchez looks like the winner of the Miss Teen Sacramento contest.  Jimmy said Jessica sang THE song better than anyone has sung it on Idol which is like saying I'm anorexic  compared to the woman featured on *My 600 Pound Life*.  I'm transferring a good part of my enmity toward Shannon to Jessica.   Just giving you all fair warning. 

What was with Jeremy leaving without singing his swan song?  That was awkward.  

For all of you worried about Phillip's trip to the doctor.  He has a serious case of recurrent kidney stones.  Even I am not snarky enough to suggest that his strained performance last night may have had something to do with the real pain he was in and his efforts to dislodge the offensive stone. 

No news on the theme next week.  May I suggest that the  boys sing *Hallelujah*; and the girls sing arias from La Boheme, Madama Butterfly, Tosca, Turendot and Carmen with the exception of Jessica who will be reprising *I Will Always Love You* (because we just cannot honor Whitney enough) .  Sounds fair, right?    

Rational Aversion

Thank you KK for doing the research on Jessica Sanchez and justifying my aversion to her.  She is, of course, what we call a *plant* ala David Pukealetta Archuletta and her agent probably insisted on her being in the top 12 before she even graced the phony audition stage early in the season.  I went back to my earlier post about her and see that her family IS counting on her to support them (although they don't live in a box) and that there are a whole lot of them AND that I didn't like her the first time I saw her. 

This is what amazes me about these child *prodigies* who have been in the business since they were toddlers.  If they haven't made it to the big time yet...despite their cute ways...despite appearing on one or more talent shows...despite making a record and getting media exposure....maybe they just don't have the IT factor to make it...ever.  Archuletta is not tearing up the recording world (although I hear he is pretty big in Japan) and KK and I predicted that he would not.  I don't find Jessica one bit *relevant*.  So there.  She is a throwback to Whitney/Mariah/Celine and while I know what kind of artist she is going to be I don't think we need her.  

Why it's not irrational to hate Jessica Sanchez after all

If you've followed this blog at all you know there's one thing that Auntee and I hate more than anything:

Stage Parents

You can say "my child wants to do this", "they love what they're doing", "I'm helping them follow their dream" all you want.  But it's all B.S.  

If you loved your kid you'd let them ride their bike on Saturday with their friends from school, and then have a sleepover complete with pizza and movies.  

Jessica Sanchez' parents say "she's been singing since the age of 2"

I, coincidentally, have a 2 year old daughter.  Know what she can sing?  The ABCs, Party Rock, Twinkle Twinkle, Jingle Bells, Rock a Bye Baby, Moves Like Jagger, I'm a Little Teapot, Pumped Up Kicks, and about 86,000 more songs that never. end.  I should probably pull her out of school and put her on TV, right?  I mean, obviously she's going to be a star.

Jessica's career:

"Trained" at Theatre of Arts in Hollywood.

2 sit-down auditions with Warner Bros Records by 9.

Showtime at the Apollo at 10.  (The description here brags that she did this performance on only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, due to the rigors of travel.)

Semifinalist on America's Got Talent at 11.

National anthem at the Chargers/Jets Monday Night Football

Released an album called Blessed at 12.

"Starred" in a Cricket Wireless commercial at 15. 

My dilemma here is only that if she fails, her parents will blame her.  And that she is, after all, a child.  She didn't make these career choices.

I unabashedly say to her parents:  Shame on You.