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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I Don't Have To Say I Love You Jessica Sanchez

For the first time, I can sort of understand those people who go on the Idol Message Boards just to say: *I'M NEVER WATCHING AMERICAN IDOL AGAIN*. Or, *THIS IS MY LAST POST...GOODBYE FOREVER*.  Its not even that I was so invested in Elise as I knew she stood about as much chance of winning American Idol as I do.  It is just that this season's contestants haven't grabbed me from the beginning all that much and she was the one bright spot I looked forward to each week.  So, I really wasn't looking forward to watching tonight's show.  Then I saw the song list and thought...well at least I know the songs they are singing this week and maybe some performances will be good.  And some were.  And some made me cringe and some made me laugh out loud at their sheer awfulness. 

Jimmy is back this week along with Steven Van Zandt of E Street Band and Soprano's fame.  Actually, their segments were one of the highlights of tonight's show.   I want to marry Jimmy and have Steven Van Zandt as my best man.  You all may not share my obession.

Holly is up first singing River Deep Mountain High.  As you Idol trivia people may remember, this song was the one Pia plodded through the week she was dumped by America the sane last year.  It is not a song I really heard much before Pia dragged it off of a Glee episode and turned it into a funeral dirge.  So, I was very nervous for Hollie.  It sounded like a completely different song to me when Hollie sang it.  I thought she nailed it.  Thankfully, the judges agreed.  But Hollie is going first this week and that is not good for votes.

Up next is Phillip Manbearpig.  He does his *Phil Phillips* magic with a song which has lots of memories for me, The Letter by the Boxtops.  This song came out about the time I was getting ready to go away to college and leave my boyfriend behind.  So, I know this song's melody like the back of my old wrinkled hand.  The Phil Phillips' treatment consists of taking all the melody away and grunting a lot in stacatto.  Jennifer, not knowing the song, wonders where the melody was.  Well, *baby*, I've been wondering where the melody is in Phillips' song treatments for the past 10 weeks.  Glad you finally noticed there isn't any.   

Of course, the judges think he doesn't even need an aeroplane to get to the finale...he can walk on water all the way there.

Skylar is up next and Jimmy and Steven talk her into doing Credence Clearwater's Fortunate Son. I'm not sure this is doing her any favors as its a little sixties rebel for her target audience, but she delivers it like a pro.  The judges like it but don't gush a lot , so considering what they usually do for Joshua and Jessica, their reaction comes off as a bit of damning with faint praise.

They try to make us think that Phillip and Joshua don't want to sing together and maybe they don't.  They are singing the all time classic Righteous Brother's song, You've Lost That Loving Feeling.  I'm pretty sure the Righteous Brother's album was one of the very first that Auntee and KK's mama bought when we were tweens.  We drooled over them and their music like tweens now do over Justin Bieber.  We particularly liked the tall, dark handsome one whose part Phillip takes.  Phillip is a big fail and we are beginning to see that Manbearpig has no clothes so to speak (well its pretty obvious from his photo above) in that he really cannot sing very well if he has to carry a tune.  He is pitchy and I know this song so I'm confident he was pitchy on it.  He ruined the harmonies.  I thought it was a disaster but the judges are so into the budding bromance and pimping the two of them that Joshua and Phillips get a pass on this desecration of a sacred song.

I would really rather go to the dentist than watch Jessica Bibi Chez Sanchez take on Tina Turner's Proud Mary.  But Randy suggested she watch some Tina Turner videos last week to get her some *rock* creds and so she takes him to heart.  Her voice is fine, but something is wrong with the backup or the arrangment because it starts off sounding not just slow (as it should) but slow and weak.  She is swaying her hips like a hula dancer.  Then the song gets lively and she marches around the stage lifting up her legs a bit before reverting back to hula dancing.  (She is attempting and failing to do the 60's dance craze...The Pony...which I'm pretty sure she has no clue about).  I swear KK's daughter could imitate Tina Turner better than Bibi.  Steven and Jennifer love it, but Randy finally has the balls to say she basically sucked.

The first half closes with our judge's favorite son, Joshua.  He does Motown, the Temptations Ain't Too Proud to Beg, with backup singers doing the Motown moves as he tries to keep up with them.  Its good.  The judges don't stand for a change...perhaps they were shamed by the ridicule they have been receiving for their jack in the box approach to Joshua judgment.  Joshua has a flower in his lapel.  It is a daffodil.  Ryan thinks its a tulip.  But then, he also thinks the Kardashian's are good tv and produces their fat asses all the way to the banks for them and him. Ryan has a problem with real life as opposed to reality tv. 

The second half begins and I'm getting a little weary.  I want the show to end with Joshua, Hollie, and Skylar doing the best.  Screw Manbearpig and Bibi. 

Hollie takes on another monster, Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis, Simon's Cowell's big British X Factor discovery.  I think Hollie sings it better than Leona does, but Leona makes me feel creepy and so does Simon Cowell these days. (Random piece of info:  Simon insists on having black toilet paper at his mansions.  I don't know what this means but it cannot be good).   Randy says Hollie is peaking at the right time. 

Manbearpig takes on the Zombies *Time of the Season*.  This is also a song that I know well.  This nearly had me laughing if it wasn't so painful.  Phillip's limited range is obvious as he strains for the high note (which isn't that high), his voice cracks, and he misses the note painfully.  Not once...but every single time.  The judges simply do not want to face the fact that this Manbearpig cannot sing.  They praise him profusely for being able to *sing a melody*. Again, WTF?  I thought the whole point of this show was to sing a melody but apparently, as far as Phillips is concerned, the whole point for the judges has been watching him growl and grunt and staccato his way through every song he sings.   This is beginning to border on a psychic break from reality for the judges. 
  Time to call in Manbearpig's nemesis!

Skylar, Jessica, and Hollie come out and all pretend to be big buddies.  I think Hollie and Skylar actually are, but Jessica's enthusiasm for her co-stars seems a little forced.  They sing Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher and its fine.  Randy does some namedropping about Jackie Wilson and his falsetto. 

Skylar makes a smart move and sings an old standard You Don't Have to Say You Love Me by Dusty Springfield.  Obviously you are old when you remember watching her perform this on Shindig or Hootenanny.  Or maybe American Bandstand.  I think Skylar is fantastic singing this song.  I am transferring my Elise love and my few votes to her.  The judges love it too but they don't love her as much as they do Joshua, Phillip and Bibi, so...doesn't bode well for her this week.  Bottom 3 again.

Jessica doesn't like the term lounge singer, but of course, that is exactly what she is.  She takes a great Joe Cocker song and even with the 12 string instead of the piano behind her, she turns truffles into American cheese.  She fakes a pout or two, there is smoke blowing up her ass, and once again she blows smoke up the judges' and America's ass with her overabundance of melisma and vibrato and sad looks.  Gag me.  

To close the night on a lot of high notes, Joshua sings A Bee Gee's classic The Way I Love You (I think thats the title).  He is very good.   I really wouldn't mind if he wins the whole thing if it keeps Bibi and Manbearpig from the prize but I'm not going to waste my time voting for him.  The judges cannot resist standing again.  Randy mentions Robin Gibbs is sick.  Namedrop number 3 or 4 tonight.  I will forgive him tonight because he hated Bibi's Proud Mary.  

Bottom 3:  Skylar, Hollie, and Jessica.  Going home...Skylar or Hollie.       

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