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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What Would You Do If I Sang Out of Tune?

I was dreading watching tonights show.  Things have seemed just so bizarro this season.  But, I actually enjoyed watching tonight for reasons that will almost immediately become clear to you, if they are not clear already.

Ryan opens and we learn we are still in Vegas at the Beatles Love theatre...but we are live tonight.  He reminds us that now WE can vote for the Idol and then starts his lying when he says all future decisions will be made by us.  Yes, our votes will decide UNLESS they want to do a wild card OR they want to save someone who the audience hates.  At the end of the show tonight, the word *wild card* was already being thrown around by Randy I believe.  Not to mention the very popular belief that the show is rigged and they don't even count the votes!   

Ryan questions the judges about tonight's show and they  all say they are happy to turn over this decision to the audience so now they are lying too.  Then Randy tells a big lie when he says this is the first time in a number of years that the girls have the edge.  As I recall they said that last year (and probably the year before) but when the girls start singing with the guys all of the sudden they suck and the guys are wonderful and the audience votes that way (if they weren't inclined to vote for a cute guy anyway).  Of course this year they have stacked the deck and have mostly mediocre fodder for the guys but there will be a way for a guy to win this season...I'm almost sure.  But...I'm wrong about my predictions about 50% of the time which leads us to the opening number.

I fully expected Zoanass to be close to the end so the show could build up to her awesomeness.  I was surprised when she went first.  She prances out in her Tina Turner wig and hot pants (mercifully her legs were not bare..at least I don't think so) and proceeds to sing *What's Love Got To Do With It* complete with some Tina moves and booty shakes.  I was surprised that I recognized the song after only a few bars...unlike last week when I was only sure what she sang after the judges told us.  I was also surprised because it wasn't THAT horrible to me...even though admittedly the song doesn't have a lot of range to it, for me it was better than her prior performances although thats like saying water boarding is better than having your nails pulled out.    I believe Zoanass managed to sing some loud and high notes to go along with her low tones and she obviously was having a blast performing.  I'm thinking *oh shoot* (but not exactly that word), she is going to get kudos for tackling the great Tina and giving a great *performance.*   Imagine my surprise when all four judges panned her.  Something made the scales drop from their ears and they noticed Zoanass cannot stay in tune or even sing for that matter.  The most revealing comment was one of them..either Randy or Nicki...said  *you gotta be on key on this song*.  That comment was a tacit acknowledgment that she has never been *on key* this entire competition and that the entire Zoanass phenonomen was either:  a) a big publicity stunt to get ratings; or  b) Nicki steamrolled her through so far and the producers finally put a stop to Nicki's madness.  The fall of Zoanass is either: a) now that she has been selected by Vote For The Worst, the producers don't want to give that site any more credibility by having her stay around; or b) the producers saw some online comments indicating that America thinks the show has become one big clown fest starring Nicki and Zoanass, and since they cannot fire Nicki without paying her huge sums, they can at least get rid of Zoanass.  Of course all the judges praised Zoanass's spirit, passion and heart (the new consolation go to when you cannot tell someone they *look beautiful*).  So...maybe we have seen the last of Zoanass but America has disappointed me before so I'm not predicting anything.

So now that Zoanass has been dispatched, I can enjoy the rest of the show.

Brianna is the first of the *pretty girls with a pretty voice* (PGPV) up tonight.  She got rave reviews last week for her *I Bust The Windows Out Your Car* song  and starts singing a song which has a lyric which must be beeped about being horrible in the morning and the b word in the afternoon (I'm guessing) but you love me anyway.  I think her voice is pretty but why is she picking mean girl songs.  Keith liked her but Nicki did not.  I'm thinking she is good but I'm not falling in love with her.

They follow Brianna with Aubrey, the second PGPV tonight who sings an oversung Fergie song (the name I do not know but I've heard it too many times on this show and others) and she really doesn't add much to it.  Except she is really pretty and wearing another short, tight shiny dress which shows off her cute figure.  She is 16 years old but acts older especially when she starts responding to the judges like a contestant being interviewed in the Miss America pageant by calling them by their first names.  You get the feeling she has taken a Dale Carnegie course (do those still exist and does anyone even remember them?) or the modern day equivalent thereto.  She leaves me cold.

Janelle, one of our two country girls, is up next and is hoping to have a better performance than last week.  She does.  She sings a song about dreaming when you have nothing which sort of fits what is happening to her right now and she smiles a whole lot through it and the judges love it and her.  I like her too but...I'm not sure she is my favorite country girl and its doubtful there will be more than one in the top 10.  

At this point, Randy is starving so they bring him some crab legs to munch on.  Mariah, who has gotten some heat for her weight lately, almost visibly recoils at the feast in front of her.  They end up putting the mess in front of skinny Keith. 

Poor Tenna Torres.  Nicki hated her hair last week.  Tenna  is 29 and looks 35.  She sings well and turns a country song about being Lost in Love  by Faith Hill into an R&B song.  I feel for her, I really do.  She even put her hair behind one ear (its all the rage now as evidenced by the 1300 Hollywood women wearing it that way to the awards shows) but it still seems like too much hair for her face.  And it still looks like a bad wig and probably is.   When she sang the lines *I'm lost forever*, I'm thinking yes you will be lost forever in Idol trivia.  You cannot hate her but there is just nothing to love there so I will be shocked if America finds her compelling enough to vote for.  The judges were complimentary but not falling at her feet.

Angela, who bugs me almost as much as Zoanass, chooses a Colton Dixon song about God and goes back to the piano.  I think she oversings the hell out of it (if I can say that about a song about God) and her facial expressions are alternately ugly and weirdly coyly flirtatious.  She wants to match the performance of her original song and the judges are just ecstatic because she almost got there.  After those comments, she will not get up from the piano for as long as she is on this show.  She has not abandoned her polygamy hair and you cannot see anything of her face but her teeth which are Osmond white.  The hair, the teeth, the song about God and the Colton Dixon fandom make me think she is our Christian fundamentalist extra.  Which is not why she bugs me.  She is just one of those extras I have an irrational aversion to.  There is one every season. 

Amber Holcomb is the one everyone forgets about until she sings.  I was thinking *oh no...another one of the PGPVs is coming up and will bore me to tears* until I remembered that I loved her two weeks ago.  I am not usually pleased when someone does a Whitney Houston song.  I took not one note while she was singing because I was completely mesmerized and was thrilled to see that the judges agreed with me and gave her a standing ovation.  I hope she makes it through but I'm not sure she has a big enough personality (although some of it came through tonight so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her).

Kree sings next and I'm thinking she has to follow the other country girl Janelle, Angie who can do no wrong, and Amber who was flawless so what the heck can she bring to the party that isn't going to look like she shopped at Target while the others went to Tiffany for their hostess gifts?   I was mesmerized all over again and took no notes so am doing this from memory.  When she hit some of those high notes I could not believe it.  She is funny and clever too...I loved her repartee with Nicki.  I'm rooting for her.  I want to see her and Amber in the finale.  

Ok its time for a lull in the program.  Another teenager, Adrianna (who I confuse with Aubry and Brianna) sings a song about standing up for life.  I don't know if this is an anti-abortion song or an anti-war song or an income redistribution song but it is very *we are the worldish*.   The judges call it pageanty and so I suspect we have seen the last of her.  Note to Nicki:  I don't think she can *come back next year* once she has made the top 20.

The pimp spot goes to Candace Glover and it is well deserved.  She was my third favorite tonight.  Like Keith, I'm not a fan of all the melismatic runs in her singing style but boy she can *be on key* and belt it out.  

After wrongly predicting that the judges would love Zoanass and hate the country girls, I'm hesitant to tell you who I think America will vote for so I will tell you who I would vote for in this order:

1.  Kree 
2.  Amber
3.  Candace
4.  Janelle 

I don't care about any of the rest but I'm pretty sure Angela will make it through and I'm hoping the 4 listed above are in there with her.  




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